We were asked to touch on 3 topics.
1. Marriage & MInistry & NCU
2. Family & Ministry (this post)
3. Social Media & Ministry (to follow)
Here are our notes from the 2nd Topic: Family & Ministry (names were removed to protect the innocent).
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Mike & Heather Miller www.corvallischurch.org October 2013
Ministry & Family
4 Interviews
Questions:
1. What is a great thing about having parents in ministry / parents who are pastors?
2. What has been the biggest difficulty or struggle?
Male (age 17)
1. “It’s a lot easier to fit Jesus into everyday life when there are people around you who encourage you all the time.”
2. “It’s hard when people think you’re not fun and think you don’t like music so they don’t always want to spend time with you.”
Male (age 20)
1. “It’s great to be surrounded by wisdom- to have immediate access to that from someone other than just your pastor. Most people don’t have that access.”
2. “My Dad worked 2 jobs- he was a pastor and had a full time job as well. So ministry really cut into family time. My dad wasn’t home until about 8 at night.”
Female (age 14)
1. “The great thing is your parents can help you in your walk of faith. And you get good, true long-term friends that are a part of the church—like other pastors’ kids and kids from other families in the church. A lot of kids don’t get that, they struggle with that.”
2. “The hard part is, I never get to sleep in on Sunday mornings. The majority of the day is taken up by church, church meetings and homework. It’s kind of stressful. Also, another thing is, sometimes, even when my parents are home, they’re still working.”
Male (age 15)
1. “The good thing is, our family is always focused on God.”
2. “I don’t really get to spend time just hanging out with you guys.”
I asked for suggestions. The Female said, “I think that on Wednesdays, after Family Dinner, we should play a game or watch a movie together.”
1. What is your Goal:
· Our Goal as parents is our kids’ holiness not our kids’ happiness.
o Christ-like character is more important than education, trendy clothes, athleticism, straight A’s in the most advanced classes.
· When your kids are young, spend as much time as possible developing character and teaching life lessons.
o Invite them to the ministry environment along side of you when it’s appropriate.
§ Let them see you serving others
§ Let them see you listening, praying and sacrificing
o It pays off BIG TIME when they are teenagers!
· Our kids do what they see us doing:
o Reading our bibles, praying, giving to the poor, saving $, exercising, kissing and hugging, apologizing, putting our phone/computer/book down so we can talk.
· Let your kids see you grow
o Don’t let them think you have all of the answers
o Let them see you struggle, seek God, push through and mature.
· The best equipping you can give your kids is NOT that they don’t fail.
o It is that they can recover when they do.
§ They can go to God and receive complete forgiveness
· Show them that God is trustworthy in forgiving.
o God is more grieved that we don’t trust Him to forgive us when we sin than He is in the sin itself.
2. Guidelines / Boundaries:
· Special 1 on 1 times / reserved family times.
o Examples: Mike take boys to Buffalo Wild Wings weekly, family work out 2x week, take Graice to breakfast weekly.
o Heather up in the AM to see the kids off to school and home by 3:00 every school day.
· Planned our couples Home Group same night as Youth Group
· “No cell phones at table”- meal time is sacred
· When younger: screen time on weekends only
· We learned quickly to alternate kids sports / activities: sport / drama commitments, so all 3 aren’t going in 3 different directions.
o Encourage same activity when possible: community service, worship team, community theater, community sports.
o Your kids are most likely not going to be professional athletes.
§ Don’t teach them to sacrifice everything for the sake of anything but God.
§ Stop living through them!
· Let them try drama, music, sports… even if you didn’t like it.
· Bring the kids right in with you to minister and learn to grow in ministry. It’s fun!
o Help them find their strengths and cheer them on!
o Don’t withhold that blessing from them by trying to treat them like any other kid.
o Having a family in ministry has a lot of junk that comes with it, you HAVE to take full advantage of the positives.
o Your kids DO have special access to the Pastor.
§ Treat them accordingly with fairness
§ Teach them to steward their access & influence with integrity and selflessness.
· Let your children have as much freedom as possible. Especially during pre-teen years, when first feel push-back
o Set clear lines in areas that matter the most, that are critical.
o Let the rest go. Let them be free, not chained to having to look or act a certain way.
§ Stifling – can lead to rebellion & hiding.
§ Let them wear what they like
· Teaching boundaries
§ Let them listen to what they want to listen to
· Teaching morality
· Talk about everything all the time. (age appropriately)
o Make it very normal to talk about everything—dating, money, friends, sex, drugs, locker room talk, slumber party talk, etc.
o When they won’t talk, schedule NON talk time with them.
§ Fishing, camping, dinner, watch a seahawks game.
· Do something to BE with them.
o In so doing, you’re creating a safe place for them to open up and talk.
§ Don’t yell at them and tell them to talk to you!
3. Rhythm & Tradition
· Rhythm / routine is important! We thrive and feel safe when we know what to expect.
o Get into a routine as soon as you can.
§ But be flexible, it changes when you move (missions, church planting)!
§ When things change, quickly establish a new one.
· Have “family meetings”, get on the same page ASAP.
· This teaches them that the “form” serves the mission.
o The routine serves the purpose of togetherness.
· Set aside times the kids can count on and remember. So they know they are important to us.
o They are loved and priority over friends and others in need of our attention.
· Turn phones off during family time.
o There are very few “ministry emergencies”.
· Holiday Traditions. Form them and keep them as much as possible, at the risk of offending extended family and friends.
o Traditions can include others, which is part of our life, and what we want to pass on to our children.
· Invite others in
o We try to invite others in to our traditions, because that is part of our tradition.
o Holidays include new friends, friends in need.
Mother: Proverbs 31:15 She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household
and tasks for her servant-girls.
· “Her servant-girls” / her maidservants / her hired help. Please hire help! It’s prudent. It’s virtuous. It’s not snobby. It will help you have a healthier family and ministry. Valuable opportunity to disciple/ teach life skills.
Father: Proverbs 3:11-12 My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
· Embrace your role as teacher. GIVE your kids instruction. Our tendency is the value the relationship so much that we don’t want to offend the child.
· When if we really LOVED the child we would speak in to their life truth, even when it hurts. If the only thing you say to a child is how great they are, you’re extremely selfish in your parenting.
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