New Year, New Risks, New Rewards

As I reflect on 2013, it was a wonderfully fulfilling and sometimes painful year for me, my staff and my family. But one thing we know. We grew to be more like Jesus in 2013!

And, like any hard fought battle, 2013 has taken it's toll.  Lately, I've been struggling with the issue of transparency and vulnerability.  Those two things just seem to invite pain, don't they?  I think part of my issue comes down to confusing my calling with my identity. I am a Pastor by calling.  I am a Follower of Jesus, dependent upon God's grace, as my identity.   Those may not seem conflicting to some, but there is a constant tension inside of me to not make my calling, my identity.

Over the past few months, I have become a temporary introvert.  And not in a good way that says: "God wired me as an introvert, so I will embrace that as my gifting and seek to use that to advance God's kingdom".    More in a way that says:  "I'm so tired of being vulnerable that I'm not going to be transparent with anyone anymore!"

As a Pastor, I am asked to get involved in deep and difficult struggles.  The nature of this calling requires that I give a part of my heart.  I love honestly and my prayers are filled with compassion.  Which means I sacrifice in order to help, and I love enough to have difficult conversations.  And as you've probably experienced, many people don't respond to caring concern with humility and kindness.   I think anyone who has been in a close relationship with another human being for any period of time will testify:  we are not always trustworthy with each other's heart.  

What has resulted is that I've been holding back in my calling.  Out of self-protection and self-preservation I've been struggling with withholding my heart in the daily work of Pastoring.  To be fair, I have had beautiful moments of clarity and deep meaningful ministry opportunities and I don't think I've sinned and I don't think that it is bad to retreat for a time of healing. But, candidly, 2012-2013 kinda kicked my butt and I needed some space.  

I took a week away with family to reflect, dream and pray about 2014.  As I prayed, wept and rejoiced about 2013, God gave me a personal invitation as I was reading my bible.   

"Trust me with your heart!"

After revealing God's plan of salvation and encouraging the disciples that in their calling, their struggle would soon turn to joy, Jesus says in John 16:33:

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

I may have peace in God's calling.  I can continue to risk and invite close relationships!   I can put my heart out there in my preaching.  I can put myself out there and invest in people, and I can trust God, knowing full well that there will be tribulation.  There WILL be hurt and pain and disappointment. I will let people down, people will let me down.  In all of that, God is inviting me to peace.

So I'm forced to ask myself:  "Do I really trust God enough to keep putting myself out there?  Do I really believe Jesus' promise that "in Him I may have peace" because He has "overcome the world"?"

This first day of 2014 I can declare that I do believe!  I can keep investing personally in the lives of the people God brings in to my life.  I do believe that God wants me to let my heart break for people's hurts and let my soul be transformed by his presence in the midst of the struggles.   I do believe that as I trust God to tear down my walls of self preservation that I may have peace!  I do believe, God!!... (help my unbelief! Mark 9:24) 

So for 2014, for the sake of fulfilling my calling as Pastor the best I can, I choose to believe Jesus' words and I choose peace... and as I do this look what happens... 

Phil 4:7 - And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

My heart is guarded!  I can trust Him with my heart!